In Defense of the Participation Trophy

NFL player James Harrison recently made a splash with a bit of stunt-parenting in his public decision to take away the "participation trophies" his two children were given in a youth league. It was his insistence that the children earn any award they are given and that absent an actual victory the acceptance of a trophy for participation runs contrary to, as he hashtagged it, #HarrisonFamilyValues. You all know that your humble pixel-and-ink stained wretch is also a father, coincidentally of two children roughly the same age as Harrison's (his are, as we write this, six and eight. Mine are four and eight). This makes parenting one of those issues which resonates with me, and one to which I give a great deal of thought. My thought on this is that Harrison is twice wrong.

Stunt Parenting 
In my opener I referred to this as a bit of "stunt parenting"; my word for disciplinary choices made publicly and loudly as what almost becomes a kind of performance art. You've seen them before over the years; the woman who wrote the needlessly confrontational "contract" for her daughter's use of an iPhone. The redneck idiot who literally shot his daughter's laptop. The halfwit who dressed in a pair of micro-shorts to shame his daughter for what he saw as her poor choice of attire (thought I will concede the possibility that the latter really just wanted to show off the results of all those squats he did at the gym).  There aren't many people who do things like this, but the ones who do get enough attention that public shaming of our kids as punishment has become a bit of a mini-trend.

This is, to my mind, wrong. It make ones kids a prop in a social statement, involves them in a conversation which they didn't ask to join. If the very idea that a six-year-old e given a trophy that he didn't earn with a win is so anathema to Harrison then he has the option of writing a letter to the youth league in which his children play or even in talking to their coach. This is everyone's right as a parent, and given his status as a professional football player there's even a chance that they'd listen to Harrison. He also has the right to quietly take the trophies away from his six and eight-year old sons and tell them that he doesn't believe that they deserve them, and one should only get what one deserves. He'd be wrong to do so, but there's no manual for parenting; on some days it seems like a decades-long journey into all of the ways a human can be wrong about things. We all have to take things away from our children in the name of discipline, safety, or - in this case - values. There's no need for our children to have to be publicly seen losing something.

Everything Must Be Earned - with VICTORY!
I'm sure that some of you think I'm crazy (OK, more crazy than usual) and that the idea that trophies are for winning isn't such a bad one. Why do I disagree on the substance as well as the public nature of it? First, remember, the children are six and eight years old. These are young children just learning about sport and competition. One of the first things they need learn is to participate, to put in effort, to try. They need to learn to listen to the coach, to practice, to win and lose with grace. Rewarding a child for participation encourages the child to keep participating, to come back next season, to keep learning. One gets more of the behavior which one encourages. At such young ages, it is right and appropriate to encourage participation.

Yes, this will mean giving awards to some children who aren't winners. Who are those children? They might be the ones not fortunate enough to be chosen for a more talented team. They might be the ones who are a bit smaller, who are developing at a bit of a slower pace than their peers. They might be the ones whose parents work longer hours and don't have the time to throw a ball around the backyard with them. My point here is that "trophy only for the winner" leaves quite a few kids with the impression - and an accurate NFL player James Harrison recently made a splash with a bit of stunt-parenting in his public decision to take away the "participation trophies" his two children were given in a youth league. It was his insistence that the children earn any award they are given and that absent an actual victory the acceptance of a trophy for participation runs contrary to, as he hashtagged it, #HarrisonFamilyValues. You all know that your humble pixel-and-ink stained wretch is also a father, coincidentally of two children roughly the same age as Harrison's (his are, as we write this, six and eight. Mine are four and eight). This makes parenting one of those issues which resonates with me, and one to which I give a great deal of thought. My thought on this is that Harrison is twice wrong.

Stunt Parenting 
In my opener I referred to this as a bit of "stunt parenting"; my word for disciplinary choices made publicly and loudly as what almost becomes a kind of performance art. You've seen them before over the years; the woman who wrote the needlessly confrontational "contract" for her daughter's use of an iPhone. The redneck idiot who literally shot his daughter's laptop. The halfwit who dressed in a pair of micro-shorts to shame his daughter for what he saw as her poor choice of attire (thought I will concede the possibility that the latter really just wanted to show off the results of all those squats he did at the gym).  There aren't many people who do things like this, but the ones who do get enough attention that public shaming of our kids as punishment has become a bit of a mini-trend.

This is, to my mind, wrong. It make ones kids a prop in a social statement, involves them in a conversation which they didn't ask to join. If the very idea that a six-year-old e given a trophy that he didn't earn with a win is so anathema to Harrison then he has the option of writing a letter to the youth league in which his children play or even in talking to their coach. This is everyone's right as a parent, and given his status as a professional football player there's even a chance that they'd listen to Harrison. He also has the right to quietly take the trophies away from his six and eight-year old sons and tell them that he doesn't believe that they deserve them, and one should only get what one deserves. He'd be wrong to do so, but there's no manual for parenting; on some days it seems like a decades-long journey into all of the ways a human can be wrong about things. We all have to take things away from our children in the name of discipline, safety, or - in this case - values. There's no need for our children to have to be publicly seen losing something.

Everything Must Be Earned - with VICTORY!
I'm sure that some of you think I'm crazy (OK, more crazy than usual) and that the idea that trophies are for winning isn't such a bad one. Why do I disagree on the substance as well as the public nature of it? First, remember, the children are six and eight years old. These are young children just learning about sport and competition. One of the first things they need learn is to participate, to put in effort, to try. They need to learn to listen to the coach, to practice, to win and lose with grace. Rewarding a child for participation encourages the child to keep participating, to come back next season, to keep learning. Yes, this will mean giving awards to some children who aren't winners. Who are those children? They might be the ones not fortunate enough to be chosen for a more talented team. They might be the ones who are a bit smaller, who are developing at a bit of a slower pace than their peers. They might be the ones whose parents work longer hours and don't have the time to throw a ball around the backyard with them. My point here is that "trophy only for the winner" leaves quite a few kids with the impression - and an accurate impression at that - that the trophy and recognition are beyond their reach for factors over which they have no control. Absent the promise of reward there's less incentive to keep coming back and keep trying. Yes, some will - but some will feel dejected and grow resentful. Remember these are children under the age of ten about whom we're talking, including a six year old. That anybody would take a trophy away from a six year old with the words "you didn't earn that" is, to me, bizarre and cruel.

This leans towards the political for me because it plays into the libertarian fallacy that we live in a perfect meritocracy in which the winners are those with the drive and skills and effort who deserve to win. It ignores chance (the luck of the draw putting a slightly awkward kid on the same team as a few budding superstars), and privilege (the ability of some to afford equipment to practice at home, private lessons, or even extra time with the parents). It sends a poor message to those not getting a trophy that their effort is not appreciated, but it sends an equally poor message to the winners that they're better than the losers, and that they deserve more based on their being on a winning team.

There was a scene in George Martin's A Game of Thrones in which Jon Snow, a the bastard son of the powerful and honorable Eddard Stark, gets into an altercation with his fellow soldiers on the Night Watch. He easily bests one in a duel, and is asked by his commander if he thinks the men he beat had had lessons in swordplay, time to train and practice, and even a proper sword at an early age. Snow was shamed, and gained a measure of humility in his dealings with those from the lower classes. The idea that winning is everything worth rewarding is a complete reversal of this lesson.

But....that's not how the real world works!
The biggest argument I see against participation trophies is the idea that kids need to learn "how the real world works". Setting aside for the moment the question of whether or not taking a trophy away from a six-year-old is a reasonable way to teach such a lesson - or if such lessons need to be taught at all - I'd argue that for the majority of us this is NOT how the world works. The real world can be competitive, yes. But it can also be collaborative. Yes, in the workplace an employer will expect results but in my experience they will give those who show effort and a positive attitude more chances to learn to succeed. It's also my experience that those who do keep trying often do, in the end, contribute something of value.

I'll close with a true story. In September a few years back I was hired for my current position at the firm of Shen, Milsom and Wilke. IT was a good start for me in which I made some friends on our team, joined in the effort to complete various projects, and overall started learning the ropes of the consulting side of the AV business. In January, four months after I'd started, the department head called me into his office for my review. At the end he said that this is when year-end bonuses would be given out and that the department had done well enough that year to merit bonuses for the staff. When I told him that I understood that I'd only been there a few months but looked forward to helping earn a bonus the next year I was told that at present I was a member of the team, and as a member of the team would share in the bonus with everyone else. It was, arguably, a participation trophy in real life; I was the junior-most member of the staff and am sure that whatever success the department had it could have had without me. What it did was send a message that I belonged, was accepted, was valued. It gave me something to work towards earning the next year and the year after that, and is one of the many reasons that I don't take return the call if I'm approached by a recruiter or headhunter.

The real world is like that. Sometimes someone ends up on the winning team without having earned it. Sometimes one ends up on the losing team and deserved to win. What's important - what we need to encourage with praise and awards and even trophies - is showing up every day, putting in our best effort, and showing grace and class in both victory and defeat.

So if your kid shows up to the game, is focused at practice, and seems to care then by all means feed and encourage that effort with whatever means you can. Don't tell him by your actions that  just because he's a loser if he's not on the winning team.impression at that - that the trophy and recognition are beyond their reach for factors over which they have no control. Absent the promise of reward there's less incentive to keep coming back and keep trying. Yes, some will - but some will feel dejected and grow resentful. Remember these are children under the age of ten about whom we're talking, including a six year old. That anybody would take a trophy away from a six year old with the words "you didn't earn that" is, to me, bizarre and cruel. It also risks driving away those who can't see a path to victory for themselves, robbing them of the chance to grow into the sport and perhaps even later earn some wins.

This leans towards the political for me because it plays into the libertarian fallacy that we live in a perfect meritocracy in which the winners are those with the drive and skills and effort who deserve to win. It ignores chance (the luck of the draw putting a slightly awkward kid on the same team as a few budding superstars), and privilege (the ability of some to afford equipment to practice at home, private lessons, or even extra time with the parents). It sends a poor message to those not getting a trophy that their effort is not appreciated, but it sends an equally poor message to the winners that they're better than the losers, and that they deserve more based on their being on a winning team.

But....that's not how the real world works!
The biggest argument I see against participation trophies is the idea that kids need to learn "how the real world works". Setting aside for the moment the question of whether or not taking a trophy away from a six-year-old is a reasonable way to teach such a lesson - or if such lessons need to be taught at all - I'd argue that for the majority of us this is NOT how the world works. The real world can be competitive, yes. But it can also be collaborative. Yes, in the workplace an employer will expect results but in my experience they will give those who show effort and a positive attitude more chances to learn to succeed. It's also my experience that those who do keep trying often do, in the end, contribute something of value.

I'll close with a true story. In September a few years back I was hired for my current position at the firm of Shen, Milsom and Wilke. IT was a good start for me in which I made some friends on our team, joined in the effort to complete various projects, and overall started learning the ropes of the consulting side of the AV business. In January, four months after I'd started, the department head called me into his office for my review. At the end he said that this is when year-end bonuses would be given out and that the department had done well enough that year to merit bonuses for the staff. When I told him that I understood that I'd only been there a few months but looked forward to helping earn a bonus the next year I was told that at present I was a member of the team, and as a member of the team would share in the bonus with everyone else. It was, arguably, a participation trophy in real life; I was the junior-most member of the staff and am sure that whatever success the department had it could have had without me. What it did was send a message that I belonged, was accepted, was valued. It gave me something to work towards earning the next year and the year after that, and is one of the many reasons that I don't take return the call if I'm approached by a recruiter or headhunter.

The real world is like that. Sometimes someone ends up on the winning team without having earned it. Sometimes one ends up on the losing team and deserved to win. What's important - what we need to encourage with praise and awards and even trophies - is showing up every day, putting in our best effort, and showing grace and class in both victory and defeat.

So if your kid shows up to the game, is focused at practice, and seems to care then by all means feed and encourage that effort with whatever means you can. Don't tell him by your actions that  just because he's a loser if he's not on the winning team.